Your eight-year-old comes back from Grandpa's house quiet. At bedtime she asks, "Why did Grandpa call me Mum's name? Does he not like me anymore?"
Children notice more than we think. They see a grandparent asking the same question twice, getting cross over small things or forgetting a birthday. Without an explanation, they fill the gaps themselves, and what they come up with is often scarier than the truth.
This guide covers how to explain dementia to children of different ages, what reactions to expect and how to help them keep a relationship with their grandparent.
Why It's Worth Telling Them
It's natural to want to protect children from something sad. But the Alzheimer's Society points out that finding out about a diagnosis later can be more upsetting for a child than learning about it now. Children and young people may even feel relieved to know that a grandparent's behaviour is part of an illness, not something about them.
Seeing adults handle a hard situation calmly and openly also teaches children something useful: that difficult feelings can be talked about.
Before You Start the Conversation
A little preparation helps.
Get the basics clear in your own head. Know what type of dementia your parent has and roughly what to expect. Our guide to the difference between dementia and Alzheimer's is a good primer.
Think about the child's relationship with the grandparent. A child who sees Nana every day will have different worries from one who sees her twice a year. The Alzheimer's Society suggests thinking about this to understand what the child might be specifically worried about.
Find out what they already think. Ask what they've noticed. Children often have a partial or mistaken idea, and it's easier to correct that than to start from scratch.
Pick a calm moment. A car ride or a walk can be easier than a sit-down talk, especially for older kids.
What to Say at Different Ages
There's no perfect script. The Alzheimer's Society's main advice on how to talk about dementia with children is to explain as clearly and calmly as you can, at a level the child understands, and to get a sense of how much detail they can cope with.
Young children (around 3 to 6)
Keep it short and concrete. Focus on what they'll see and on reassurance.
"Grandpa has an illness called dementia. It makes it hard for his brain to remember things."
"Sometimes he might forget your name. That's the illness. He still loves you."
"You can't catch it, and it's not because of anything you did."
Young children may ask the same question many times. That's how they process things, so answer it each time.
Primary school children (around 7 to 12)
They can handle more explanation and often want to know why.
"Dementia is caused by changes in the brain. It affects memory, and sometimes how Grandpa feels and acts."
"It usually gets worse slowly, so things might change over time."
"Some days will be better than others."
Use examples they've seen. "Remember when Grandpa got muddled about which way to go? That's the dementia."
Teenagers
Be open and honest. Teenagers usually want real information and can tell when they're being managed.
Explain what the diagnosis means and how it's likely to progress.
Answer questions directly, including hard ones.
Let them know it's okay to feel angry, embarrassed or sad, and that you feel those things too sometimes.
Point them to good information. Alzheimer's Research UK's Dementia Explained and Dementia Australia's Dementia in My Family are both designed for young people.
How Children Might React
Every child is different. Some ask lots of questions. Some say nothing. Common reactions include:
sadness or worry
fear that other family members, including you, will get it
embarrassment about the grandparent's behaviour in front of friends
frustration or anger, especially with a grandparent who lives with them
guilt about any of the above
changes in behaviour, sleep or schoolwork
The Alzheimer's Society suggests letting children know their feelings are normal and that they can talk to you without being judged. It can also help to tell their school, so a teacher or counsellor knows what's going on at home.
Keep the Conversation Going
This isn't a one-off talk. As the grandparent's dementia changes, children's questions will change too. Check in every so often: "How do you feel about Grandma at the moment?" or "Has anything happened that felt confusing?"
Children also learn by watching you. The Alzheimer's Society notes that the way you speak with the person living with dementia shows children how to do it themselves. Patience and warmth get copied.
Elli Cares lets the whole family be part of the care circle, including grandchildren if you choose. Kids can record a short video message for their grandparent, like a "good morning" or a goodnight wave, that plays at a set time. It gives children a simple, positive way to help, and gives grandparents a familiar face to look forward to.
Ways Children Can Stay Close
Children often want to help. Giving them a role keeps the relationship going and helps them feel less powerless. The Alzheimer's Association has activity ideas, books and videos for kids and teens. Some simple ones:
Look through old photos together. Grandparents often remember the past more clearly than recent events, and stories from long ago can flow easily.
Make a memory book. Photos with short captions help the grandparent remember names and give the child a project.
Do simple activities side by side. Gardening, baking, sorting buttons, doing a jigsaw, walking the dog.
Play music. Singing old songs together can be one of the easiest ways to connect.
Draw pictures or write cards. These can go on the fridge where the grandparent sees them every day.
Record short video messages. Especially helpful when you live apart.
Let children set their own pace. Some will want to visit often, others will need a break. Both are fine.
Look After Yourself Too
If you're caring for a parent and raising children, you're part of what's often called the sandwich generation, and it's a lot. Our guide to how family dynamics change after a dementia diagnosis looks at the pressure this puts on the whole household, and caring for yourself as a caregiver has practical ideas.
Frequently Asked Questions
At what age should you tell a child about a grandparent's dementia?
Children of any age can be told, with an explanation that suits their age. Even young children notice changes, and a simple, honest explanation is usually less frightening than silence.
How do you explain dementia to a young child?
Keep it short: dementia is an illness that makes it hard for Grandpa's brain to remember things. Reassure them it's not catching, it's not their fault, and he still loves them.
What if my child is embarrassed by their grandparent?
That's a common and normal reaction. Acknowledge it without judgement, explain that the behaviour is part of the illness, and let them choose how involved they want to be.
Should children visit a grandparent with dementia?
Usually yes, if they want to. Prepare them for what they might see, keep visits short, and give them something to do together.
Honesty, Warmth and Time
You don't need to get the words perfect. Being honest, staying calm and keeping the door open for questions will help your children more than any script. To see how Elli helps families stay connected across generations, visit our Seniors and Families page.
